Created to Love: Johnny's Story

This story is about a dear friend Johnny, it isn’t everyone’s story, it isn’t a statement saying this is how it ought to be for everyone. This is Johnny’s story, or rather what I know of it; other people know different parts of his journey. These are some of the parts I witnessed and knew.

I had known Johnny since middle school, adorable, sweet, funny, we were in plays together, loved singing together and in general, I just loved Johnny, everyone did. Soft spoken and kind with a gorgeous, infectious smile, blond curly hair and a warm and endearing personality, accompanied by one of the best hugs ever. Johnny really embraced you and if you were blessed enough to be near his heart, he was loyal and loved you forever. He was a deeply caring soul and a treasured friend.

School ends, I recommit my life to Christ & start touring with a family singing and sharing about Christ, Johnny, who loves the Lord also heads to a Christian college, he however has a struggle within his heart. He is struggling with a deep affection for another man, and is having an inner struggle come to the surface in his life. He feels he might be gay. This is the early 80’s, quite the scandal. He is asked to take a breather from his Christian school to examine his feelings before God. This also sets into motion raging confusion over his life. But, he decides if he’s honest with himself, he’s had these feelings for a long time and he may as well full on explore them and he did.

Johnny and I would talk, there was still, confusion, though he has decided to embrace this other lifestyle, he’s still not at Peace. I mostly listen and when we pray continue to simply ask him to seek the face of God regarding this, I also encourage him, like other pastors…to forgive people who had robbed him. You see our beautiful friend was touched and robbed by unsafe hands as a youth; sexuality was awaked to a soul that was seeking love and fatherly comfort and approval. His own father struggled with communications of the heart and was harsh and came across as unfeeling, abrasive and dismissive and here’s tender little Johnny…& this kid is ALL heart, so trusting, and all of that hunger was taken advantage of by the worst, most selfish kind of thief.

So setting aside other confusions, Johnny set his heart to the difficult task of forgiveness, the pervert who his young heart trusted and robbed him of so much; value, self-worth, purity, peace, soundness, masculinity…and connected him to thoughts and spiritual yuck that would take some time to get rid of. Yet, God is good and forgiveness had its way…breaking soul ties and undo authority that this man had over his self-esteem and nightmares ceased. Broken, free. Forgiveness and compassion to a father who was more kind to him than what he was raised with struggled to find the words and affection he was bereft of. Yet, this man himself (Johnny’s father), came to Christ and started his own journey, they simply let the relationship land where it was with no demands and with acceptance of the other. Forgiveness for himself, (this was harder), this little trusting kid with a big heart and hunger for love…forgive that little boy and decide as an adult, you will be the one that loves him and provides value and shelter in your life decisions and direction. Johnny became a man in pursuit of God and inner healing & wholeness that he only found one place.

Now he faces some more new territory, he is suddenly having strange thoughts of being married to a woman and having a family. So weird, what does he do with that. The thought of being with a woman up ‘til now always made him want to vomit, he had never even had an attraction that way. This was new and weird and uncomfortable.  I saw him one day up at a kiosk where I was working and he sauntered in and I got my Johnny hug, and we chatted and he talked about our challenges, he was always a comfort and had wisdom for me also. Then he divulged a mysterious thing that had happened recently, he was at some sort of function and saw this woman, he was rather taken with her somehow, the way she moved or the shape of her face or laugh…he didn’t know all he knew was that for the first time in his life he found himself sexually attracted to the opposite sex. I high fived him, then I laughed at myself and said I didn’t normally do that when a fella says that. We laughed. This was all so new to him. Since getting released from some of the nightmares of his past, a different hidden Johnny was emerging; this one wanted a wife and a life with her and a family. How does he patch all these thoughts together? I listened and told him to keep seeking his Creator for his purposes for his life and trust him.

A beautiful thing that God did for Johnny was early on his journey out of that lifestyle, God blessed Johnny with a best friend, as they were starting to hang out more and spend a lot more time together, Johnny felt he should divulge his past and his struggle with him. His new friend was also a Christian, he just threw his arm around Johnny’s shoulders and wept with him about all that he had been through. They remained bosom buddies, through a lot more that lay ahead of them.

One day at my little kiosk…I was the owner so I could talk all I wanted, Johnny came in pretty despondent.  Johnny is usually chipper and always had that gorgeous smile to flash, not today, he was overwhelmed with the thoughts of his past and wondered what kind of woman could deal with what he had been through, or understand and have compassion on the depths of his choices and some of the shameful situations he allowed in the life that he had delved into. I said God makes all things new or he doesn’t. I can’t believe you would come into these new desires you feel are from God and have God not fulfill them. I encouraged him what an a amazing husband, someone who is emotionally sensitive and can watch old musicals and sing along and love to be in the kitchen? Dude! You’re someone’s dream come true! He eeked out a half smile, we hugged (of course) and he headed off with a heavy heart to his lunch date.

He came back from lunch on cloud 9, He was smiling, and coy and playful…I shook my head and looked at him…

He smiled exuberantly and declared, “I just met the woman I am going to marry!”

“What?! Where did you go for lunch?” I am somewhat flabbergasted at the transition of my friend in the last hour and a half.

He went on to tell me all about this amazing, sweet, funny (she laughed at all his jokes), adorable with an amazing smile and she was wise, kind, and compassionate he went on and on. They were meeting again.

Sure enough, I sang at their wedding a sweet and wonderful event with all the love of two lifetimes surrounding them.

Soon she was pregnant, which was joyous at first but his lovely bride was facing health complications, this was not going to be easy, this would be the only pregnancy, prayers were now for health and safety of mother and child. I get a call asking for prayers for his beloved soulmate and their unborn child. While we are on the phone he gets really quiet and tells me how selfish he was, you see, he thought he would have a bunch of kids and he’d learn more with each one. But now he concedes he was hoping for a son, he doubted he would be a good, strong, manly example…for our dear tenderhearted man is still a gentle, soft spoken soul and not yielded to a lot of “guy” stuff. He also doubted if he were fully healed & cleansed of the trespasses against him in his youth. Somehow having a son meant he was on the other side, healed and new.

He called me from the hospital hours later, his beloved was fine and will need looking after but should have full recovery, mother and baby are resting, he started sobbing. He had a son.

Just like that, he determined to love the stuffing out of his family, prefer them, listen to them, be there for them, and have adventures with them. To be that dad that listens and protects, is on the look out and that his kid knows how loved and valued he is that he won’t be fooled by anything less.

Johnny passed away last year, a teenage son and a deeply beloved soulmate remain behind. A life transformed from pain into a life that gave so much to others and was poured out in love for his family.

That is Johnny’s story.

This isn’t everyone’s story; this is Johnny’s story. Simply put, he was born for love, he was robbed and God restored. Who knows what healing may look like when light comes into hidden places.