Kodiak

I was 9 years old, this was my year in 3rd grade, we moved 4 times that year and I went to 2 different schools. I was rather used to that. We had already moved close to a dozen times by then, at least my older sister and myself, we had been bumped around in foster care and more bumping around with mom after that.

This house was a big country house, nice porch and big yard and we each had our own rooms for the first time. It was a mixed feeling because of the man my mother had taken up with. Bill. Bill was a short arrogant control freak, everybody liked him, thought he was funny. He was manipulative and a deviant, he was not a man anyone should entrust their kids to, but my mother did, in desperation for a man I think, I don’t know, she was complicated. He insisted to her that her girls respected and obeyed him and she imposed that on us; as horrible as he was, those were the rules. Bill was married with another family that everyone seemed to be on board with. It was strange and there was nothing about him that I liked or respected. I spent as much time as possible outside.

One day Bill came home with a dog, a puppy, I was in love a German Shepard/Husky mix. The dog came with a lot of rules, this is where Bill shined, rules and being the guy who knows everything. This time I listened intently, he was after all holding my puppy. Kodiak, like the Alaskan bear, because this dog was gonna be big.

It was spring so I had taken to sleeping on the porch with Kodiak, he was so soft and smelled so good. We cuddled together, I brought out blankets and a pillow for me and Kodiak. I loved this little furball so much and he followed me everywhere.

Bill got angry with me and said I was “ruining “ the dog, making him “soft”. I had no idea what that meant, but I had to sleep in my room. I did sleep in my room, but, would sneak down at night when everyone was asleep and spend the night with my puppy.

Bill was very unhappy about this and chained Kodiak outside eventually building a simple doghouse. I felt sad, of course I would have Puppy up on my bed if people would let me. Bill scoffed at such “girlie” notions, Kodiak was gonna be a guard dog and needed me to be strict, not soft.

Kodiak was too cute to be harsh with. Bill didn’t think so, after a couple months Bill moved the doghouse further from the house and Bill didn’t even want me to be the person feeding him ‘til I learned Kodiak wasn’t a plaything. I didn’t understand, Bill, liked talking to you like you were an imbecile and incapable of comprehending the words coming out of his mouth, and as he was never wrong (in his esteemed opinion) it was clear that I knew nothing about dogs.

Sometimes when I got off the schoolbus I would sneak over and play with Kodiak, he missed me and didn’t understand. I sure missed him too, I also didn’t understand. I could hear him crying for me at night, it was heartbreaking for us to be apart. I didn’t want to make Bill made, I tried to be obedient, I really hated Bill, he was cruel.

Soon before we moved again I was allowed to feed Kodiak, he was a bit more aggressive now, not with me but towards anyone with me. So I had to go feed him by myself, he would get snippy towards my baby sister. I didn’t understand how my cute pups was like that and Bill explained that the mix of dog was supposed to be like that and he had warned me. Bill never made sense, but, he was not worth arguing with because he would just mock your stupidity.

The next 2 times we moved, Kodiak was not with us, I think he stayed chained outside Bill father’s house for a while and then he was chained outside my grandparents for a while.

Keep in mind a lot of dogs were chained up outside then, dogs chasing vehicles was pretty common when I was a child, those were the people that didn’t chain their dogs. A great many were also not tagged, no license, no medical requirements. It was a different time in pet world, if you saw a dog with clothes it was an anomaly.

I loved my visits with Kodiak but he was growly with everyone now, except me, he was even growly with Bill, Bill would punch him to get him to behave, I was shocked, wondering why he hit Kodiak, Bill explained one doesn’t tolerate that kind of behavior from an animal and you have to establish dominance, this was explained to me as if I were an idiot.

Bill did get bit a couple of times, I can’t imagine what happened to Kodiak, now Bill was telling me I had to be careful, that Kodiak could turn on me. Bill surmised if Kodiak could turn on his dominant master that I could easily be next. My heart was broken, my cute puppy, he wasn’t mean, he was made mean. I was mad at myself that I didn’t stop it somehow.

Through the years, cousins wanted to go with me when I fed him and I pulled two peoples arms away from his mouth, they got too close. I was horrified.

Even Bill didn’t want to feed him anymore.

We moved into a trailer my grandparents put up for my mom on their property, I think it was cheaper than paying her rent whenever she walked out on a job. Good news is Kodiak was outside our trailer now, bad news is he’s a different dog. He barks a lot, got a big bark, no one else dares to feed him. He was never growly with me, but, I was a little scared now because Bill said he could turn, watching his teeth go into my cousins and not being able to open his jaws was scary for this 12-year-old girl. No adults came out to help me, my grandad came out after, he didn’t know, everything happened so fast.

One winter day I went out to feed Kodiak and I slipped and fell on the ice and he stood over me barking aggressively, at my baby sister  Traci who was terrified that Kodiak was gonna kill me, because of the fear instilled in us by Bill. She was on the door stoop to the trailer my grandad had built, crying and screaming for me. I looked up from underneath Kodiak and asked her to go inside and stop screaming, that she was scaring Kodiak. She didn’t want to but followed my instructions. She sat at the living room window with tears streaming down her face.

Kodiak stopped barking, when I said, “ I’m okay”.

I moved from underneath, a little nervous, ”He could turn on me”, was playing in my head.

But I reached out and pet him and walked into the trailer, my sister squeezed me so tight.

I knew what happened to dogs that were unsafe, and friends told me, I overheard adults talk about it, grandad told me after my cousins, it made sense.

One day over the summer I heard screaming, I looked out gramma window and saw Kodiak had someone pinned against my uncles business, a country bar, it must have been in the morning for their weren’t any cars there. Kodiak had gotten loose before, usually I found him, the big chain was usually intact and he just followed me home.  

Today however, was bad, as I get closer, it’s my friend, my best friend, he’s biting at her face, I grab his chain and I ask her to stop screaming, she said, “I’m trying” pause, “I can’t!”

“Of course she can’t” I think to myself,

I am pulling on his chain with all of my 12 year old strength, on his hind legs he is taller than both of us.

I’m pulling so hard and then had the thought of shoving my arm in his mouth and even if he tears me apart, she can get home. This is a scary thought because I know how he digs in.

I shove my forearm in his mouth and tell her to run and watch as she slips back between to buildings to her own house. I was sick in my stomach for what she just went through, her pretty face was bloodied, scratched. I felt ill.

Then I realize my arm is being licked.

I look at Kodiak who sitting there, licking my arm, he sits back and is gently panting and I see my puppy, eyes soft and he cocks his head and his ears perk up in that adorable way that made me kiss his little puppy face. I loved this dog so much.

I know that he has to be put down. I walk back with him and tie him in back of grandads and sit next to him. I know I don’t have to be afraid and it’s too late.

Bill and mom sit me down to tell me they are taking Kodiak to a big farm to live out his days. I am 12 and am wondering what farm on what planet. Did they see what happened to my friend’s face? He’s not a safe dog for anyone to be around but me.

I am so angry at my mom for being with this horrible man, angry at Bill for being that horrible man, angry at both of them for the ridiculous story the concocted together and angry at myself, I couldn’t be what I was supposed to be for the puppy and dog I loved so much. I would have loved to say goodbye and for Kodiak to see love one more time.

I believe there are animals in heaven and I will get to see Kodiak as he really is.

I have forgiven my mom, I have forgiven Bill and I have forgiven that little girl for not being more than she was at the moment and I thank her for as much as she was able, she sure did love her puppy.

After mom and Bill divorced my mother brought home a puppy for me. We kept her inside and she slept in my room and on my bed, she was loved and spoiled and ruined.